i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
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i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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