i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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