i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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