either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
