New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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