I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people