6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
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