Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
