"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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