I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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