Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
