Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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