There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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