how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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