i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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