Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
