Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
