i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
