I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
