i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
