Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
