How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
