I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
