and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
