You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
