How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
