i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
