I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
