It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
