Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
