If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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