I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
