I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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