God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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