Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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