Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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