Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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