dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
