Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
