the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
