i'm lost and i look like a hooker
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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