I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
