The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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