I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
