i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
