I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
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bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
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I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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