I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
