So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She's the barista slut.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
