I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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