I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
