There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
