I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
