Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
