I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel like a drive thru vagina
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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