six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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