I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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