Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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